Mike Olsen Dodge

I haven't listened to the radio in Yakima for some time, but if you've been around in the last 5 years, you know about the commercials for Mike Olsen Dodge. A guy sings a country jingle and then the proprietor of the establishment, the incomparable Mike Olsen, does a 30 second pitch. Mike doesn't have a voice for radio. He doesn't have charisma for radio. He sounds like shit. It's perfect for Yakima.

The jingle goes like this:

At Mike Olsen Dodge we're proud to say,
We do things the American way,
With integrity, honor, and fairness, we keep the prices looooow,
(Buy a truck!)

Then Mike does his awful thing.

Then the ending goes:

Where Mike saaaaays,
"Sell 'em for less!" And we dooooooo!

I've often contemplated how that commercial really should go.

At Mike Olsen Dodge we're proud to say,
We do things the American way,
Enslaving Blacks and killing the Indians,
And hate every homoooooo
(Give a fuck!)

Yakima's still trash, btw.


Yakima in the news? Oh shit.

Yakima has been in the national news lately because some elementary school teacher bagged up a kid's shit and sent it home with him with a little note for his parents. Is this a blight upon Yakima? An embarrassment on the national stage?


This is perfectly representative of the honest truth about Yakima. It's shit. Bagged or not.


In defense of Yakima? No, not at all.

Some denizen of Yakima posted a comment here in defense of this horrible circus sideshow of a town. Here it is in full:


MOVE!!!!!!!! BIACH... go to UR ANUS and have a FUCKING GOOD TIME SUCKING ASS ... SHIT FACE.. o yakima suck YEAH CAUSE UR HERE U FUCK....

This should give you some insight into my frustration with this pile of shit locale. It's populated heavily by half-literate children. I don't hate on those few people who have carved a happy niche out of Yakima, but this misanthrope is just in denial. Notice, however, that he concedes that Yakima does suck. He just posits a different cause for this.

Current Yakima status: Horse shit.


How will Yakima suck in 2009?

I was going to ask whether or not Yakima will suck this year. Then I thought about Yakima. Now I will just ask in what manner it will suck. It will certainly suck ass, and lots of it. The only question is just how much fucking ass Yakima will manage to suck in 2009. It's only eight days into this solar cycle and already I can feel the incoming bullshit that this place heaps upon its denizens.

Am I an island in this sea of shit? Am I the only one privy to this wicked knowledge of Yakima's piss-poor reality? No. We all know it. We distract ourselves each day for the sake of our sanity, but we know it's there, quietly and horribly flowing underneath us.


Yakima sucks dick.

Obama got elected.

Yakima thinks this is a bad thing.

Yakima sucks shit.


Yakima. Even the name says "Fuck this place."

Yakima's not a third world shithole. Yakima's not a war-torn refugee camp. Yakima hasn't been hit by a hurricane lately.

See how low you have to go to compare anything favorably to Yakima? God, what a fucking shitty place.

Depressed people tend to believe they are the cause of all that's wrong in their world. If you're depressed in Yakima, take heart in knowing it's actually fucking Yakima's fault. This place sucks. The geography sucks. The city planning sucks. The suburbs suck. The ghettoes suck. The people suck a lot, but I don't think it's their fault. This place is like Zimbardo's prison experiment, except considerably worse.

Leaving Yakima and knowing I'll never have to come back will probably be the greatest relief I've ever felt, and I've taken some damn fine shits, son. None as big as Yakima, though.


Yakima? Still sucks.

Places like Yakima survive by infecting their children with the deadly plague of mediocrity. Anyone who is content to settle down here with a career and a family has stopped thinking rationally. The race of man (an unpopular phrase, but a great sounding one) can aspire to explore the entire universe. Our species has set foot on the moon of our planet. We can accomplish cosmic feats. Despite this, many of us are willing to surrender our highest hopes and dreams and wallow in the misery of completely unremarkable places like Yakima. It is a tragedy. It is real.